Sean & Katrina

Suddenly overcome with fatigue, Sean collapsed into a nearby chair. Soon finding himself nodding off however, he got quickly to his feet and began pacing.

There was no time to sleep now.

Instead, in an effort to distract himself, he looked around at the recently renovated sanctuary that the pastor had made such a point of bringing to his attention. Enthusiastically describing it as a restful and reflective place, the existence of which was a testament to the generosity of the church’s parishioners. And Sean was curious to see if the result would in any way help him feel more at peace with what happened.

It didn’t.

The architects had tried to design a place that could be joyous, comforting, or piously solemn as the occasion demanded. And though it was admittedly artfully executed, for Sean it achieved none of those things.

He still felt only a bitter and unrelieved sorrow.

It overwhelmed him the moment he received word of Katrina’s death three days before, and had remained with him ever since.  

Indeed his only consolation was the knowledge that Katrina’s suffering was over. There would be no more quietly anguished visits with her in the hospital. No more repressed shock and silent rage at the sight of her once beautiful, but now cancer-ridden body slowly withering away to nothingness.

But then there was also no Katrina.

Her funeral would begin shortly.

And Sean had no idea how he was going to get through it; let alone where he would find the strength to go on without her.

Sean and Katrina knew each other all their lives. They attended the same schools and summer camps, knew the same people, and even lived in the same neighborhood. Indeed in many ways their lives were mirror images of each other. Even to the point of knowing what it was like to be raised in a volatile and alcoholic family.

As a result they became not only confidantes, but also the very best of friends.

It was situation that made what happened between them all the more possible.

They had been moving towards the moment for weeks. And while its arrival increased their sense of nervous anticipation, it did nothing to lessen their resolve.

Sean approached the door, and knocking quietly, waited impatiently for it to open. Katrina had left the porch light on and he felt conspicuous standing under it.

“Quick, come in,” she whispered through the partially open door, which she pushed shut the moment he was inside.

“I thought you were gonna turn the light off before I got here,” he said in a low voice.

“I guess I was so busy trying to get the kids to sleep I forgot.”

“Are they asleep now?”

“Yes.”

“What about Mr. and Mrs. Harris?”

“They won’t be back ‘till eleven.”

Sean and Katrina exchanged a look that was a question, as each sought the other’s approval to go on.

“Where should we go?” he asked nervously.

“The guest room is best.”

Quietly they crept down the hall to the guest room, and locking the door behind them, turned on a small lamp, whose thin light barely penetrated the darkness.

For a few moments neither spoke nor even moved.

At last overcoming their shyness, both sat down on the bed. Hesitantly, they then exchanged a few tentative kisses, until at last Sean found the courage to touch one of Katrina’s breasts through her blouse.

She sighed.

They kissed again.

Nothing existed beyond them.

“Should we get into bed?” he asked, his voice almost shaking.

Sean froze as a look of what he thought was hesitation swept across her face.

Then, wordlessly, she rose to her feet, and demurely turning her back to him, began taking off her clothes as he did the same.

It was the first time that either of them had ever been naked with anyone. And yet in spite of what they intended to do, neither could avoid feeling awkward.

As soon as they were undressed, both got quickly under the covers, where for a time they laid next to each other, as if unsure of what to do next. At last, after what seemed to both like an eternity, they turned to face each other.

Again and again their lips met until finally Sean eased his legs between hers.

Katrina groaned softly.

She could feel Sean pushing himself against her. And yet in spite of her discomfort, she seconded his efforts until at last he was inside her.

In spite what they’d done, and how they felt about each other however, the relationship they began that night remained a carefully guarded secret, even though it continued all the way through high school.

After graduation, they went to different colleges, where they lived separate lives, and eventually began new relationships.

Nevertheless, even after they’d married other people, and began families of their own, their love persisted. And so, despite the obstacles that their lives placed between them, they still found time to meet and renew their love whenever circumstances gave them the opportunity to do so without risk to themselves or harm to others.

“I like this room,” Sean said, as he put his bag down.

“I knew you would. There’s also a hot tub on the deck, a pool, spa, hiking trails and horses. This place has everything.”

“How long have you been here?”

“A couple of hours.”

“Where do they think you are this time?”

“We agreed never to talk about that.”

“So we did,” he conceded, taking her in his arms.

“It was a long time getting here,” she sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. “Would you like to take a shower, or maybe go for a swim before dinner?”

“I’d rather take a nap.”

“A nap?”

“It’s been too long since I’ve felt you next to me.”

“It always is,” she replied softly.

Lost in the joy he felt at holding her again, Sean failed to notice the disquiet in Katrina’s voice.

“What’s the matter?” he asked as he propped himself up against the pillows.

“Who said anything’s the matter?”

“After all these years I can tell when something’s bothering you.”

“I want to talk,” she admitted, pulling the sheet up over her breasts and holding it in place with her folded arms.

Sean waited for to her speak, even though he felt certain of what she was going to say.

“Do you ever feel guilty about what we’re doing?”

“Yes and no. But mostly no.”

“I love my family,” she said, as though feeling the need to say it aloud.

“I know you do. I love mine too.”

“Then how do you do it? How do you lie to them?”

“I think of you.”

This was not the first time they’d had this conversation. And the fact that she periodically made him repeat it both annoyed and saddened him.

“Why do we love each other?”

“Because we have no choice.”

“But this way?”

“Love isn’t something you do…”

“I know,” she said resignedly.

He waited to see if she would go on.

“Sean?” she said at last.

“Yes.”

“Are we bad people?”

“No.”

“Then why do I feel like we are?”

It was a question for which he still had no easy answer.

“All I know for sure, is that it really is better to love well than wisely. Besides, I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried.”

She made no reply.

“We have only two choices Katrina. Either we continue as we always have, or we don’t.”

Katrina turned away and wept quietly into her pillow.

“Are you prepared for that?”

She shook her head.

Sean cuddled up behind her, and taking her in his arms, comforted both her, and himself.

“Must see you IMMEDIATELY,” the text read. “2:30 at Collins.”

In all the years they’d been together Katrina had never sent him so dire sounding a message before. And though he tried hard not to jump to conclusions, he could not escape the feeling that somehow they’d been discovered.

Sean left his car in the lot outside Collins Park and walked quickly down an unpaved path towards the duck pond. It was their place.

He saw her first. She was sitting on the bench near the water, nervously fidgeting with the rings on her left hand as she gazed across the pond at something on the other side.

“What is it?” he asked with a quiet urgency as he sat down next to her.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, even though they were alone.

“I thought you and Eric had decided against more children.”

“No. You don’t understand. It’s ours.”

Sean felt the color drain from his face.

“But how could that be? We always…”

“Nothing’s perfect.”

“Oh my God,” he muttered, his mind churning.

“What’ll we do?”

“Are you sure? Have you been to a doctor?”

“Yes I’m sure, and no I haven’t.”

“You have to see one right away.”

“I can’t go to my regular doctor.”

“I know. We’ll have to find another one.”

“What if…?”

“We’ll tell him only what we need to.”

“I’ll still have to tell Eric.”

“First of all, we’ve got to find out what we’re dealing with,” Sean replied, unwilling to give up on the hope that she might be wrong. “And as far as Eric is concerned, if it comes to it, you’ll just have to tell him the same thing you just told me.”

“You mean that it’s his?”

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Would you rather have an abortion?”

“I can’t do that either,” she said, clasping the crucifix around her neck. “I can’t cover up one wrong with another.”

“Then the only alternative would be to tell him he’s not the father; after which you’d have to tell him who is.”

“Oh God not that,” she said, averting her eyes in horror. “I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”

“Think Katrina. If this is true, and it isn’t handled in the right way, it would be ruinous for everyone,” he replied, as one does who’s gazing towards a desperate future. “Us, our families, everyone.”

Just then an old man with a little dog on a leash walked by, and noticing Katrina’s distress, paused to stare at her.

And though the look he gave her was undoubtedly one of curiosity, to Katrina it felt as though somehow he knew what they’d done.

Two days later, Sean drove Katrina to the offices of an obstetrician in a nearby town that his lawyer had told him was accustomed to dealing with delicate situations.

“Well?” Sean asked through a forced calm as Dr. Greenwood settled himself behind his desk.

“As I’ve already told your wife Mr. Peters she is indeed pregnant,” he replied, employing the alias that Sean had used when making the appointment.

“How long?”

“About seven or eight weeks. And so far, everything seems quite normal.”

“That’s a relief,” he said, taking Katrina’s hand.

“However there is something I want to talk to you about.”

“Yes?”

“I handle many cases,” the doctor began slowly. “And while medically speaking, most are fairly routine. On a personal level they’re all different… some even unique. But because I regard myself as a doctor, and not a counselor or moralist, I only comment on my patient’s private lives when I feel I must. And this is one of those occasions.”

“What do mean?”

“Your ‘wife’ told me the truth…Mr. Peters.”

Sean looked at Katrina in disbelief.

“Yes, I told him,” she conceded with a quiet firmness.

“Why?”

“Because he needed to know.”

“No, he didn’t. That wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was to find out whether or not you are pregnant, and then, if you are, to go to your regular doctor, who, by the way, you said you didn’t want to see first because no matter which way it goes you want to keep the baby. You’re never gonna see him again,” he said, nodding towards Dr. Greenwood. “So why tell him?”

“He needed to know because I need to know. I guess more than you.”

“That again?”

“Yes that.”

“We looked it up.”

“Yes we did, on-line.”

“Well?”

“I want to hear it from him.”

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“You’re not worried?”

At first he couldn’t answer.

“I didn’t want anyone but us to know.”

“He won’t say anything.”

“Apparently he will, at least to us, won’t you doctor?”

“Honestly, after listening to you, I don’t think I need to say as much as I was afraid I might. Obviously you’ve already thought a great deal about what’s happened. And since there’s no way I could, or should, try to change the way you live your lives; as long as you understand the medical ramifications, I’ve done my job.”

The doctor then spent the next half hour explaining the possible consequences of the situation and the likelihood of each.

And though they ranged from minor to dire, they did not shake either their love for each other – or for their child yet to be.

The following week, Katrina went to her regular doctor, and pretended to be surprised when he told her she was pregnant.

She then went home and told her husband, who, although surprised that it had happened in spite of the precautions they took, nevertheless embraced the news and immediately began making plans to welcome the new arrival.

A little over four months later, Sean received another urgent text from Katrina, informing him that she was a patient at St. Luke’s hospital.

He wasted no time in getting there.

“Are you all right?”

“That’s what they tell me.”

“When did it happen?”

“Last night.”

“I wish you’d called me right away.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done. Besides, it would only have aroused suspicion.”

“So when are you getting out of here?”

“Tomorrow.”

“How’s Eric taking it?”

“As well as can be expected.”

Sean took Katrina’s hand in his.

“Do you think…?” she began, her eyes heavy with nascent tears.

“Do I think what?”

“That it might be better that it happened this way?”

“We’ll never know,” he whispered. “All I know for sure is that it’s not what I wanted.”

“Maybe it is better,” she said distantly. “There are so many secrets as it is”

The funeral was a small, private and tragic affair, to which only family and a few close friends were invited.

The headstone had been installed the day before.

It was only then Sean learned that Katrina and Eric had named the child Kaitlin.

For the next few months Sean and Katrina saw little of each other, and spoke even less. Because when they did, neither could look, nor even listen, to the other without feeling once again as they had the day they learned their unborn child was dead.

But neither could they long deny each other. And so soon they began to meet again as they’d always done: to live the love, without which their lives were immeasurably poorer.

And if their love was tempered now by what happened; it was also stronger because it endured.

The sound of the door opening shook Sean from his reverie.

“Hey daddy,” Robert shouted as he caught sight of his father.

“Bobby be quiet,” Sean’s wife admonished their son as she followed him through the door, towing the younger boy behind her.

“Hi honey. The kids giving you trouble?”

“No more than usual,” she sighed.

“Boys,” Sean said reproachfully. “Do you remember what I told you?”

Both nodded obediently.

“I meant it. I need you to be behave, do you understand?”

“Yes Dad,” they replied in unison.

“Ok then,” he added with a wink. “Now go over there and sit down.”

“Have you been here long?” she asked.

“Not long,” he responded wearily. “Where are Eric and the kids?”

“They should be right behind us,” she said, as she tried to check her hair in the glass of a picture hanging on the wall. “They were parking just as we came in.”

The next moment Katrina’s husband, closely followed by his three now motherless children, entered the room.

“Eric,” Sean said solicitously as they hugged each other.

“Sean,” he replied solemnly, the look of loss etched clearly on his face. “It’s good to see you. And Rachel,” he added as he gave Sean’s wife a hug. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that we’re all here together.”

Just then Father Kennedy arrived, and after once more expressing his condolences, led everyone in a group prayer. A moment later the pastor returned and informed them that it was time to begin.

Forming themselves into a small precession, they then walked down the hall that connected the sanctuary to the church; where they took their seats in the pews reserved for family members, while Father Kennedy took his place in the pulpit.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Katrina Ann Phillips…”

At the mention of Katrina’s name Sean withdrew into himself.

And as he did so, he found a profound solace in the knowledge that out of everyone there, only he truly knew Katrina in her entirety.

Suddenly Sean felt the urge to leap to his feet and tell everyone the truth. He and Katrina cared for each other as few people ever did. And there was a part of him that wanted everyone to know it.

But he couldn’t. Such an admission would affect too many lives.

And so there was no choice but for him to take the knowledge of it with him to his own grave.

Nevertheless, it was a burden he was grateful to bear: because between them they shared a love so deep it transcended everything else in both their lives.

And he would keep the memory of it, and her, with him always.

Unbeknownst and unsuspected by Sean however, not everyone at the service was entirely unhappy Katrina was gone.

As any compassionate person would be, Rachel was sorry Katrina had died, leaving her husband without a wife, and her children without a mother.

Her pity notwithstanding however, there was another part of her that felt a furtive sense of relief at Katrina’s passing.

For the truth of the matter was, she’d always thought it somewhat unnatural for a brother and sister to be so